Last night I saw the much-anticipated Watchmen with friends. The lines were super long and there was even a guy there dressed up as one of the masked (anti)heroes. Needless to say, anticipation to see the film adaptation of the beloved graphic novel was high. And the verdict?

I didn't get it. Now I'm prefacing this review by saying that I have not read the graphic novel and had no background knowledge about the movie except for the fact that Billy Crudup plays a naked blue guy. What I'm told is that the film follows its written counterpart soundly except for a couple of changes. Director Zack Snyder (of 300 fame) used the same type of aesthetics he is known for--elongated fight sequences coupled with slow-motion movements. Some of the scenes were unnecessary...in particular the sex scene needed much work and was laughable at best. But the movie seemed to drag on and at some points the action seemed stilted.

But let's back up to the actual narrative. Who are the elusive Watchmen? Well basically they are fractured superheroes who are caught up in the ambiguity of their individual moral compasses. Then there's the political issues...war, poverty, corrupt government, revolution--you get the point. I could textually analyze the film to pieces but I'm not that invested. The fact is, this was a complete fanboy movie, only meant to satisfy the desires of those (including the director) who have waited years for a film adaptation of this written work to debut. Judging by people I've talked to, it seems to have done the job.

A Book for Hannah Montana

So Miley Cyrus' much-anticipated autobiography, Miles to Go, comes out this month. Aside from the awful title pun, the book is said to delve into her first love and being bullied in middle school. Kind of like Ophelia Speaks for the Disney crowd. My question is, who is the audience for this book? How many Hannah Montana fans are going to go out and buy a book that completely disrupts the image that she has helped to construct of herself? A part of me really wants to read it (I got through Lynne Spears' memoir!). Then the other part of me sees pictures like this:


And then I want to shoot myself.

Tough Times for Chris Breezy

Oh Chris Brown...your charisma and boyish good looks won't get you out of this one. Brown was slapped with two felony charges today, felony assault and making a criminal threat. If convicted he could face up to four years in prison--and in teen girl fantasy world, that's like, a REALLY long time.

Suffice it to say, the young pop star had to cut his jet-skiing reunion with Rihanna in Miami short to appear in court today. Times is hard, yo! There have been many reports about what actually went down before the Grammy's and who knows what to believe. It's a pretty sad situation for everyone involved. I will say that when Usher of all people publicly reprimands your actions and the aftermath, you've pretty much fallen to scum status (though he later apologized for giving Chris such a hard time...boys will be boys!).

Now many have asked how Chris Breezy can ever come back from this blip on his superstar record. I have one word for you: OPRAH. If she can find child molesters, she can revitalize a tainted career or two. All Mr. Brown needs is an exclusive interview. Shed some tears. Bring his mother out and discuss the effects of domestic violence. And bonus points will be awarded if RiRi appears with him on the program. Manipulative? Yes. Will it work? Of course!

Guys Who Suck and the Women Who Date, Get Engaged, Dumped, and Publicly Humiliated by Them

Otherwise known as The Bachelor. Meet Jason Mesnick. He's a 32-year-old single father to an adorable 3-year-old boy named Ty who likes to play golf. Jason may seem like he has the charmed life but in reality, after two failed romances, his heart has been broken way too many times and thus is looking for love on a reality television show. The 13th season of The Bachelor ended on Monday and of course, (melo)drama ensued. I tried to keep track of the number of shots of Jason staring aimlessly out into the New Zealand sunset, but alas, lost count.

As a former employee/intern of The Mouse, I have to give ABC/the producers credit...they sure know how to extend a narrative. Did you think it was over once Jason dumped Molly and proposed to a joyful Melissa? Oh no. There was much more. The show reached new depths of messy reality splendor during the After the Final Rose special. Turns out, Jason made a mistake. He's actually--GASP--in love with Molly instead! And what better way to tell Melissa how he's feeling than on national television! I felt like I was watching that scene in Hope Floats only without good actors like Sandra Bullock. Here's how it basically went down:

Chris Harrison: Tonight on a very special After the Final Rose we have closed the set down from an audience out of respect for all persons involved in this situation.

(Chris says this as he proceeds to intently stare awkwardly at Jason break up with Melissa)

Jason: You know things have been different between us since the end of the show.

Melissa: .....

Jason: And I just feel like we're not right for each other.

Melissa: .....

Chris (For clarification purposes): So Jason what you're saying is that you want to break up with Melissa and try to build a relationship with Molly.

Jason: Yes.

Melissa: ......

(Chris finally excuses himself to "let them talk alone.")

So then like any woman would, Melissa gets angry and wants to know what happened and why Jason won't "fight" for her and their relationship to which Jason gives no semblance of a lucid response. She stalks off to the limo waiting for her and breaks down crying, convinced that something is "wrong" with her. Back in the studio, Molly and Jason reunite for supposedly the first time since he dumped her.

Jason: I made a mistake. I should have chosen you. Wanna go out for coffee sometime?

Molly (feigning awe at this sudden turn of events): Ummm...I guess that would be ok? Okay!

And everyone lets out a romantic sigh because ya know, Jason was following his heart. Or not. I tried to find some type of silver lining in my obsession with this show but then realized that I, like the 25 girls who thought they would find love on television, am a masochist. In what bizarre world do we live in (besides the one where the Crocodile Hunter gets killed by a stingray) where women continually humiliate themselves in the name of "love" for a man? Don't answer that. It happens to the best of us but it still baffles me. Now 24-year-old Molly will uproot her life and career to play husband and stepmom in a relationship that will most likely end very quickly and badly. Maybe I'm being a pessimist. But ask yourself why a good-looking real estate agent with a son would go on a show to find love when he could probably find it in the Starbucks around the corner and your answer might be 1.)He's a fame-whore 2.)He's an idiot or 3.) He's an idiot fame-whore.

I'm going with #3. Melissa--even though the show and Jason screwed you over, your freedom was the best prize you could've received. Congratulations!

Brangelina have twins!

And here's proof: Apparently Angelina Jolie gave birth to her twins in Nice, France. Above is the Mayor of the city holding up the birth certificates. Welcome to the world, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline! Shiloh, Zahara, Maddox and Pax are like, super duper excited to meet the additions to the clan--er...family.

Wombs for Rent?

So Oprah's show on Thursday discussed the journey to parenthood with couples involved in surrogacy. Couple Jennifer and Kendall opened up to correspondent Lisa Ling about their journey to have a child after unsuccessful attempts at conceiving. Enter the Akanksha Infertility and IVF Clinic in Anand, India. This clinic houses Indian women for the 9 month gestation period where they are artificially inseminated with the embryos of a couple. Most of the people these women service are American couples, as it costs roughly $12,000 in the country instead of upwards of $50,000 in the United States.

I have to admit, I sort of cringed during the segment...with "exploitation" and "objectification" being the two buzz words to describe this method of conceiving. The discourse around surrogacy can be pejorative, with some likening it to a baby brokering service. It can even escalate when these mothering incubators are women who are required to leave their homes and sometimes forced to keep their pregnancies a secret from their families due to societal values and norms in the culture. Though Oprah's program did include interviews with these Indian women, the slant of the segment was decidedly pro-America (read: pro-rich white couples), focusing on a holistic approach to the idea that women across borders can share a deep bond and as Lisa Ling comments, cultivate a sort of "transnational ambassador" role for the conceived child.

So both parties involved get what they want...American couples get the child they always wanted and the Indian women are able to provide for their own families with the $5000 they get for their services, akin to 10 years worth of working. But I still feel somewhat iffy about the whole process. What does it mean that we go to India to outsource customer service for technological products as well as people to have our children? Is this a new phase of globalization? What does this situation look like through a postcolonialist lens? How do we approach this as a trannsational feminist conversation? Hmmm...maybe more on this later.

What's Race Got To Do With It? Will Smith as Fractured Superhero

Many of our most beloved superheroes face not only super villains but also super existential crises. Who am I? Where did I come from? What is my Purpose? Obligated to keep their “true” identities hidden, they are forced to self-regulate their images both publicly and privately until inevitably someone unearths their secret life. This is the general plight for our comic book-turned-film protagonists.

Except for people like Hancock. Hancock (Will Smith) is in many ways the superhero for our jaded postmodern era. He does not prescribe to the same formulaic narrative of the likes of larger than life DC do-gooders Batman or Superman. Nor does he exactly fit in with Marvel misfits Spiderman, Iron Man, or The Hulk. Hancock plays by his own rules (that of drunken asshole in need of anger management classes) and feigns nonchalance at his less than stellar representation in the public eye for screwing Los Angeles up on a daily basis with his unchecked superpowers.

Enter public relations executive Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), an idealistic publicist (oxymoron you say???) who believes in saving the world and Hancock’s bruised image. I won’t pour over the details of the B-movie because what I really want to discuss is the construction of our beloved Will Smith as a superhero himself of extraordinary capabilities.

Thomas C. Holt in The Problem of Race in the 21^st Century writes of Michael Jordan and his ability to transcend race in the global marketplace. The uber-successful marketing campaign “I Wanna Be Like Mike” becomes a consumptive exercise for the public to forget difference. What does it mean to be “like Mike?” While it may certainly connote his excellent sportsmanship and talent, it most certainly doesn’t refer to his racial identity. His race is effectively erased from his image only to be marked when the dominant society brands him as an exemplary figure of the potentiality of African-Americans. It is my assertion that Will Smith is indicative of this “Michael Jordan Effect” for the millennium.

Hancock is yet another one of many roles in which Smith’s racial identity does not play a factor in the filmic text. Hancock is simply just a guy and his blackness is never accented-- except for comic moments such as the superhero flying to a freeway to straighten up some clearly marked Latino criminals as Ludacris’ “Move Bitch” plays as soundtrack to the scene. Furthermore, Smith has a track record for roles that involve romantic relationships with non-black women—whether it be Eva Mendes in Hitch or Charlize Theron in Hancock. When he is linked with African-American females on screen, it is usually because in the film he is marked as black.[1] No other black actor has really pulled off this feat simply because no other black actor can play a universal race card like Smith can. Audiences are drawn to him simply because he is Will Smith.

This is an interesting observation if only because the story of Smith’s production and consumption as a black star bizarrely follows his role in the emotional profile of Chris Gardner in The Pursuit of Happyness. In playing Gardner as a character, Smith reflexively relives his own transcendence of race...from Fresh Prince to Hollywood's 4th of July release Golden Boy...to obtain the American Dream. How patriotic!

Now finally back to Hancock. Is he a black superhero? Survey says no. If Hancock was actually coded as black then the film would have a lot of explaining to do. It would become not just your unique superhero text but rather a commentary on urban waste, homelessness and poverty in the black community, and yes…the maladaptiveness of interracial relationships. While you can still read these ideas on the film, Hancock makes sure it does not highlight them with Will Smith as star. Therefore the film is as much about Hancock’s image as it is about Will Smith’s fractured relationship with racial identity in his career.

Whew.

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[1] His relationship with Vivica A. Fox in Independence Day is duly noted as an aberration in this formula.